Commitment-Phobe

I just realized I am allergic to any sort of commitment, this may have been my problem with The Boy(who isnt really a boy he's a man and almost 30 now), but that is a story for another day. This week I recieved two calls about jobs, one for a temp agency, the other for an IT company. For the temp agency I had to take their tests, which somehow I'm sure I failed, I don't test well. For the IT company I had to do an interview with the recruiter and interview with someone who worked there and I will eventually have to do a face to face with someone at the company. I talked to the guy this morning, he seemed very nice, but when he started talking about how he had been with the company for three years I was having a mini panic attack. While I'm not the type of person who jumps from job to job every four months, I also have trouble making major decisions and sticking to them. I almost feel like if I choose one path, then all others are closed to me, yes I am crazy. In college I was always jealous of those freshman who KNEW they wanted to go to medical school and did everything to get there. I was never that sure of anything. When I was a kid I wanted to be an astronaut(I still like the idea of traveling to the stars), a photographer, an actress, or a ballerina. In college I had no idea what I wanted, I picked English as a major because it was something I was good at, and I didn't want to fail out of college by trying to be something I'm not(like an engineer). Right now I'm so lost it's not even funny. Quite honestly I thought my life would be a little more interesting than it is now, definately more interesting than the people who follow the boyfriend/husband, baby, boring job route. I have never even been to another country. By 24 I wanted to have been to Rome and Venice, it feels like every year drags me closer to the practicality of REAL job land and BILLS to pay. I don't feel 24, I feel like I'm 12 and everything is still a possibilty. I still want to study psychology, be a writer, be an actress. In reality it's like time is running out for the things I want.

The Set-up

I hate when people try to set me up with someone they know, or their boyfriends friend/cousin and so on. The reason I hate it is because I never asked them to set me up to begin with. I'm not even one of those people who loudly lament my single status anymore, I learned my lesson years ago. If you don't want people giving unwanted advice, don't complain to begin with. So for the past 5 or so years I have pretty much kept my mouth shut on the dating front, but damn it people are nosey as hell and insist on sticking their noses in place I didn't ask them to, its annoying to say the least. Yesterday was the second time in a matter of a week that a friend suggested I date one of her friends. Now in my experience most people try to set you up with someone they themselves would be attracted to and aren't really giving any thought to whether you would want to date this person, I guess the thought goes that "he's a nice guy and I like him so my friend should too". My friend also admitted that she didn't know what my "type" was, well thats because I didn't tell you because I have no interest in being set up. The other reason I don't like the set up is because lets say you do go out with the guy and hey maybe your just not interested, well now all of a sudden your friend wants to know IN DETAIL what the problem is, whats wrong with him and so on. Lastly its kind of insulting that someone thinks I'm so pathetic that they need to find a guy for me, I hate being told what I "need" to do or how I should be living my life because thats what it chalks up to, "their is something wrong with you because you don't have a man and you aren't crying about that fact". This same friend is always telling me that I need a guy like this or like that. There are plenty of things I NEED before I need a man. I need a new job, more money, a new car, a new place, a trip to Europe.....also I need people to stop telling me I need a man.

But, I Don't Wanna Go

Getting me out the house is not a problem, getting me out of the house to go to a crowded bar is a different story. A friend invited me to see his band play at a semi-local(meaning 30 minutes away) bar. Of course it's a weekday and, of course tommorrow I absolutely have to be in work by 7:30(normally I'm scheduled to go in around noon) but I promised, and prompted by the fact that people always tell me, "well you need to go out more if you want to meet someone" I decided to go. Oh I go out plenty, but in general I don't think a bar is the place to meet someone, not only that, but I have never, ever met anyone in a bar that I wanted to continue talking to. Usually I meet guys who are extremely drunk, or rude, or trying to take me home, or guys who plain just can't take no for an answer(this is where pepper spray and pointy toed boots come in handy). Also my "friendzone" guy friend is there, and its been awkward for a while, but that is another story. Honestly all I want to due is cuddle under my heated sheets and watch a movie, but out I shall go. We'll see how it goes........

Update: Actually wasn't that bad, hung out with a lot of people I haven't seen in awhile....almost went deaf from how loud the bands amps were but still not a totally terrible evening.

Online Dating : 0

Yes, I signed up on an online dating site. Mostly just to look around and to see what kind of guys are on it. I havent subscribed to this site, meaning I can look for free but if I want to talk to someone I have to pay a monthly fee(to broke for that) which is fine by me for now. I haven't even posted a picture, I really hate most pictures of myself. My general opinion of online dating is this, I find it hard to connect with a person just based on a picture and a couple sentences. Getting to know someone in person is different. On the other hand I dont really go anywhere on account of being so broke most of the time, and when I do go out it seems like I have a "nice guy repellent" I always attract weirdos who want to touch my feet, or guys who generally behave like they are 16 even though they are close to thirty. I did save a couple of profiles on this site. Mostly of guys who's little blurbs made me laugh a little. I dont know if I will take it further than that. The whole "no experience" thing makes me hold back. Ha the same thing that keeps me from getting a boyfriend is whats keeping me from getting a job, well lack of work related experience that is. I guess I should just look at it as meeting a new, male friend. If it goes in a certain direction, then great, if not oh well.

Blonde Ambition

So for awhile I have wanted to go blonde. Over the years I have experimented with highlights, and then when I got bored with them I would pick a semi perm color as close as possible to my own color and dye it back. However, for some reason I have had a serious itch to go completely blonde. My natural hair color is more of a light ash brown. Now dont get me wrong I like my natural hair color just fine, this isn't going to be a permanent change, I'm only planning in being blonde for the summer, and I'm not doing it because I think blondes are prettier or get more attention or whatever, mostly I'm doing it because I'm bored, I feel like I need to shake my life up a little. I still have the same crappy job I had all through college and even though by May it will have been a year since I graduated I STILL havent found a career type job, or even a job that pays a little better than my current one does. Anyway back to the "going blonde part" So me being me I decide I would do this at home, and often I just jump in and do things because if I think too much I won't do it. One day I grabbed a box of Garnier Fructis dye in a shade of blonde I like, like I said my hair is a light ash brown and the shade I wanted was not that light at all so I didnt think I would have that much trouble going from light brown to a medium blonde.....oh how wrong I was. I waited the recomended time plus ten minutes then washed the dye off, and ok it still looked a little dark but I waited for it to dry, and lo and behold my hair was now brown with a red tint. I wait a few days then go back for more dye in the same color(this time I use two boxes) and wait TWO hours and it comes out a lighter shade of the same reddish color. Of course this is when I decide to maybe do some actual research. It turns out when going from brown to blonde your hair goes through stages red, orange, yellow/orange and finally yellow. I decide to call a friend who had died her hair blonde at home. She had used color specifically for girls with dark brown hair and said that she needed to do it a couple times before it came out the color she wanted it. She had used a different brand than I had and I had read that you weren't supposed to use different brands after starting with one. Her mother had used the brand I did and used the lightest shade to get the color she wanted. So off to the store again to pick up two boxes of the lightest blond garnier makes. I go through the whole dying process again....and the next morning I wake up to macaroni orange/yellow hair. I wash my hair with purple shampoo which helps with the brassiness some and go off to work. Of course a few friends tell me they dont like it "its TOO blonde" is what one said. So here I am three days later. I picked up a box of Clairol bleach and am currently doing a "patch test" instead of doing a strand test, I took a chunk of hair and mixed a little of the bleach together and im just testing this area. Its hair at the back of my head, so if it turns green or something no one will notice lol. My advice for anyone who wants to go blonde at home is to research it first. Second before you even think of doing anything to you hair really think about what kind of condition its in and even if it is in good condition try to get it in better condition. Get a hair mask or deep condtioner AND a leave in conditioner. DO NOT use and heat on your hair while you are trying to lighten it. Ideally you are supposed to bleach your hair first wait 24hrs and then put your desired color over it, unless the bleach look is what you are going for, then get a purple toner or shampoo to neurtalize the brassiness and call it a day. The reason my whole adventure with Garnier didnt work is because the Garnier colors dont have bleach in them they have peroxide, your hair will get lighter but it will take many many many times using these dyes to get it to a true blonde shade. Using bleach you will likely have to use it two maybe three times to get your desired color. The darker your hair is, the more pronouced the red stage is going to be.


A few hours later.......
Def go with Clairol Ultra Blonde, my hair feels a lil bit like straw but thats ok I have Dumb Blonde Conditioner and I will be conditioning like crazy until I'm finished being blonde lol