Boo...Hiss

So I am supposed to be heading out in a little bit for New Years Eve and as usual I am having second thoughts about going anywhere. And this is the reason: Whenever I ask someone where they met the person they are with I get a variety of answers "theme park, bar, museum, school, work" and so on. I have never met anyone I was interested in at any of the above listed places. I used to think it was my fault for not going out enough and not putting myself out there, but lately I have been going out a lot, and have met a few people. However, it seems like when I look around everyone is coupled up already. I guess I shouldn't be so negative and try harder to be more open? Who knows. I'm still contemplating "officially" signing up for and online dating site. I'm not sure. Its hard for me to think of myself in terms of a guy being interested in me, and usually the guys that are I am not attracted to and then I feel bad about that. Yeah...I need therapy. I was watching the movie "easy A", and in the movie the main characters parents were joking about grounding her and they said, "no boys" and she just laughed it off and said "well I think my complete lack of appeal sort of shot that horse in the face" that's kind of how I feel about my self, I don't see how I am appealing to the opposite sex. I reiterate the therapy point.

On to my goals for 2011( because I actually did stick to last years)

Continue to eat healthy and get in shape.
Be more honest about what I want and stop trying to please other people
SAVE MONEY
Get my butt back to school

I'm Starting to Think

....that I am never going to be able to get my life together. I work at a job that has nothing to do with what I ultimately want to do with my career and also causes me no end of stress. I still live with my parents who treat me like I am 15 instead of 25. And I still can't find a guy who is interested in me. Don't get me wrong I am grateful I have a job and am not unemployed, and that I have a family that cares and friends that are there for me, but sometime I just want to feel like I am doing something right with my life, not just existing.

Merry Christmas

I love Christmas....love it, love it, love it. I like the lights, the decorations, the music. Sure some people will say its a materialistic, commercial holiday but I think its what you make of it. I actually like buying gifts for people, thoughtful awesome gifts. Its nice getting gifts too, but I don't care about that so much anymore. I just bought my first ornaments this year, hopefully I will have my own tree to put them on next year(right now they are on my moms tree). I can't wait until I have my own kids to share Christmas with. That's all I just wanted to say how much I HEART CHRISTMAS : )

I wanna give up already

I have been on this dating website for less than a week and I already want to give up and delete my profile. In real life and online it seems like I'm not attracted to the guys who are attracted to me and guys I am attracted to are unavailable or just don't know I exist. I am seriously just thinking about "faking it til I make" as in just try really really hard to be attracted to someone I don't feel that attraction to, and if it never happens oh well at least I won't be a loser. I don't know....just some random, rambling thoughts.

TiMER(Tick Tock)

So I was scrolling through the newly released "instant" movies on Netflix when I came across the movie TiMER, I had never heard of it but it was rated high and one of my favorite actresses Emma Caulfield from Buffy was in it. The idea behind the movie is that scientists have invented a device, a timer, that will tell you when you are going to meet your soul mate, provided of course that both people have implanted the device. SPOILER ALERT The story is about a woman who is about to turn thirty whose timer has still not begun to count down, her sisters timer on the other hand has begun its count down with thirteen years remaining before she is to meet her "ONE". The main character, Oona, continues to date timer-less men and eventually convinces them to get implanted, of course she is constantly disappointed when their timers don't sync up with hers. Her sister, Steph, chooses to sleep with random men who do have timers as a way to pass the time. Their 14 year old brother also gets an implant which reads that he will meet his soul mate in 3 days. However he doesn't meet his one on his first day in high school. His "one" turns out to be the daughter of his mother's new housekeeper. The younger brother meets his one in front of his mother, sisters and the girls parents, making the situation extremely awkward to say the least. Meanwhile Oona has met a young man(emphasis on young) in a grocery store named Mikey, he flirts with her, but she feels strange about the fact that his timers count down is four months. Her sister tells her its no big deal that basically she should have fun and sleep with him. She remains unsure until she has a dull blind date and meets Mikey again in her sisters bar where his band is playing. Mikey and Oona continue what she believes to be an ill fated relationship because he has an expiration date. Steph on the other hand has met a cute but timer-less guy, Dan, in the nursing home where she works. She doesn't sleep with timer-less men because they are too "needy" and attempts to set up Oona with him. Oona however is to busy with Mikey, once Steph finds out she an Oona argue because Steph feels that her sister is setting herself up for heart break. It turns out though that Mikey's timer is fake something he used to pick up girls but wasn't sure how to tell Oona about it. Oona continues to date Mikey and Steph continues to flirt with Dan. Oona becomes conflicted and lashes out at Mikey because she wants a "guarantee" and he can't do that for her without a timer. She ends up visiting her father for answers believing that he had left her mother, choosing not to get an implant, and finds out that not only did he get an implant it still has not "zeroed out" the woman he lives with however has removed her implant because although she knows he is not her "one" she doesn't care because she loves him. Oona and Steph decide to get their implants removed before their birthday. Steph happily get her's removed, but just as Oona is about to have hers removed it begins to count down, she chooses to leave it to find out who her "one" is. She and her sister arrive separately to their birthday where both Dan and Mikey have been invited. Before Oona arrives the mother of the younger brothers "one" has a translated conversation with the other mother. She basically says that because they are not friends, and she is the woman's housekeeper it would have been better if their children had met on their own, and kept it secret. Then when the two families found out they could yell and argue and eventually accept each other. The other mother agrees that this is true, and agree to remain as employee and employer for now. As Oona walks in she sees Mikey, but her mother rushes her over to meet some people including Dan, when her timer goes off. Dan is her "One". Of course Mikey and Steph leave, and Oona chases after them. She ends up in the kitchen with Dan and her sister, Dan explains that he only got the timer because of Steph, he was ready to be with someone again(his wife died). Steph and Oona fight and Oona tells Steph that she can stay with their parents and sulk for the weekend but she wants her back home on Monday, because before the guys were involved they were each others "one". Oona makes one more attempt with Mikey, but they can't go back. Her sister comes home and wakes her up and Oona goes for her customary morning jog a little later than usual, where she meets Dan and they chat a little, he tells her she should jog late again some other morning and they go off in opposite directions.

I LOVE this movie...I love the whole idea of it, and the fact that the ending was not typical romantic crap. The timer doesn't solve everyone's romantic or relationship issues, it just creates a different set of challenges. The timer is fantastic for some people and for other it creates confusion. I was rooting for both original couples, Steph and Dan, and Oona and Mikey. By the end you get a feel for how Oona and Dan are meant for each other, but you still feel the loss of the previous two relationships. I think I liked this movie so much because I can related to the idea of being on a timer, and definitely relate to Oona as someone whose timer has not even begun its countdown. That's how I feel like my timer hasn't even started and I'm still waiting for the damn thing to start ticking. I think the movie also showed that there are some relationships that we need to have, no matter how short lived, or painful, or fantastic. These relationships are supposed to teach us a little about ourselves. Actually this worries me all the more, as I have not had any relationship at all.

You Guys Should Hook Up

No...no we should not. I will never understand why some people are so damn obsessed and pushy about trying to hook their friends up, also its usually for selfish reasons. Not like, " oh you guys should hag out, you both really like photography" More like, "You guys should start dating my boyfriends cousin so we can double date/all live together" That was an ACTUAL reason from two separate people. Why the hell do people think I should date their boyfriends cousin lol

Wait.......What?

The other day I came across an article about genius, specifically how ONLY men can be geniuses.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-483707/Only-men-geniuses--far-stupid-men-women.html

The author states that only men have the capacity for genius, but don't worry girls, we women occupy some sort of intellectual "middle ground" for the survival of the species. Um....ok. I find several things wrong with the title alone "Only Men can be geniuses...but there are far mores stupid men than women" First of all, other than being a writer there is no discernible reason for him to be able to make such a definitive statement. Secondly he disproves himself in the first few sentences, saying that for every two male geniuses, there is only one woman. Ok well, she still exists does she not? Already he is revealing his own misogynistic views that any females accomplishments are still less than a males. He also somewhat defends the actions of the Harvard President who said women were naturally bad a science. The general pompous, authoritative tone of his article just pissed me off. He stated no science or studies to back up his claim, although he did talk about one study where brothers and sisters who were raised with the same intellectual expectations were given tests in math and science and so on, saying only that the results were women did much better at languages. The source of this study was by an ALL MALE team of psychologists. The fact that they can't even see their own bias is just ridiculous. He also goes on to state that there are NO great women poets or playwrites, NO great women philosophers, NO creative women in visual arts, NO female inventors. He also states that of course there are women who are great in there fields of education and commerce, but I guess to him that in now way makes them GREAT? Now this article led me to try and search for female geniuses, which was sadly difficult to find when inputting "female genius" in google search, however I did find some interesting information. Including a list of top ten geniuses, with a woman occupying the # 10 spot only, but she's there isn't she, she exists, right? http://listverse.com/2007/10/06/top-10-geniuses/
What about Georgia Brown, recognized as a genius at age two? http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-463539/Two-year-old-Matilda-youngest-girl-Mensa.html Does she not qualify for some reason, her IQ is 152 and she was invited to join MENSA, by now she is only five but give her some time to produce some great masterpieces in music, or hell I don't know cure cancer. As to the authors previous assertion that there are NO great female philosophers, here is an article of the top ten female philosophers http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/this-britain/ten-great-female-philosophers-the-thinking-womans-women-498733.html
Sadly, I am not very familiar with most of the women on this list, so its no wonder why people don't think there is such a thing as female genius, when all we hear about is Einstein and Sartre and never is a woman thrown into the mix. Lastly, this woman has another theory as to why there are no female geniuses, what she calls a "numbers game" http://www.newscientist.com/article/dn16331-the-lack-of-female-einsteins-is-all-down-to-numbers.html The author of the "Only Men Can be Geniuses....."article feels that as women we have had ample time to stand out a geniuses, so where the hell was Shakespeare's female counterpart. Probably squeezed into a corset and being told to shut the hell up by the men in her life. In looking up female genius I found another article that found that women had to publish twice as many articles in there scientific or mathematical field to be considered on equal footing with men. The fact is we have only been allowed to vote for a little under a century and for many years have had to beg, borrow and steal to get anywhere near a university, we have only been freed from the kitchen for about fifty years. So how about we wait a couple thousand years before we definitively state that women can not be geniuses. The last article I looked at was one about a study that showed that the mere suggestion to a female that she will do worse in one subject, will in fact make her do worse in that subject. I absolutely believe this is true, when I was in third grade my mom sent me to a Private Christian school, for K-2nd I had been going to a Catholic school, so when I went to my new school, they were way ahead of me in math, instead of the teacher trying to help me she basically threw a pencil at me, told me to figure out a mathematical problem, without giving me the tools to figure it out. She then insisted to my mother that I had a learning disability and was possible retarded (seriously) she harassed my mother until she took my to a psychologist to be tested. I went through the whole IQ test, nervous as hell that I wasn't doing the right thing, and after a couple of hours he told my mom I had a perfectly normal IQ, that I may have trouble with math but I was fine. Still, that incident with an uncaring and lazy teacher colored my whole school life. I still have a sort of "fear" of math, anything with numbers just confuses me. I actually started to do a lot better in math when I had a tutor for a few years, she was very encouraging and told me everyone could do math and I flourished but once I was on my own again, one little wrong answer and that was it, I just told my self I was dumb and that was that.

Just one of those days

So I was rejected from yet another job, right now I'm working a temp job in addition to the job I already have. I am just getting so frustrated, not only can I not find a full time job, no matter how I hard I work I can't seem to lose anymore weight. Its SOOOOOOO FRUSTRATING. On top of that I made the mistake of complaining about my single status to a friend of mine, which was a mistake. She said I over think things with guys, which is true, but I told her to be fair its not like I have guys knocking down my door or anything. Basically her advice was to lower my standards and not to go back to school. Yeah, no. I absolutely have a problem with a guy still living with his Mama without a legitimate reason. Meaning he's living there because he has a child to take care of, or he's helping his parents out with bills or he is in school. I'm not an intellectual snob, there isn't an educational requirement to date me. However he does have to be hardworking and have goals other than finding a girl who cooks like his Mama to take care of him, but apparently that makes me a bitch. I'm tired of people telling me I'm wrong because I won't lower my standards to date any old schmo. She also told me not to go back to school.....seriously. My goal is to initially get my Masters in Psychology and to begin counseling female solidiers who return from the war, eventually I want to get my Ph.D, but no, I, should just dumb myself down so I can get me a man, after all ladies no guy wants a gal who's too smart. All I need to know is how to iron his shirts and make his dinner.

Commitment-Phobe

I just realized I am allergic to any sort of commitment, this may have been my problem with The Boy(who isnt really a boy he's a man and almost 30 now), but that is a story for another day. This week I recieved two calls about jobs, one for a temp agency, the other for an IT company. For the temp agency I had to take their tests, which somehow I'm sure I failed, I don't test well. For the IT company I had to do an interview with the recruiter and interview with someone who worked there and I will eventually have to do a face to face with someone at the company. I talked to the guy this morning, he seemed very nice, but when he started talking about how he had been with the company for three years I was having a mini panic attack. While I'm not the type of person who jumps from job to job every four months, I also have trouble making major decisions and sticking to them. I almost feel like if I choose one path, then all others are closed to me, yes I am crazy. In college I was always jealous of those freshman who KNEW they wanted to go to medical school and did everything to get there. I was never that sure of anything. When I was a kid I wanted to be an astronaut(I still like the idea of traveling to the stars), a photographer, an actress, or a ballerina. In college I had no idea what I wanted, I picked English as a major because it was something I was good at, and I didn't want to fail out of college by trying to be something I'm not(like an engineer). Right now I'm so lost it's not even funny. Quite honestly I thought my life would be a little more interesting than it is now, definately more interesting than the people who follow the boyfriend/husband, baby, boring job route. I have never even been to another country. By 24 I wanted to have been to Rome and Venice, it feels like every year drags me closer to the practicality of REAL job land and BILLS to pay. I don't feel 24, I feel like I'm 12 and everything is still a possibilty. I still want to study psychology, be a writer, be an actress. In reality it's like time is running out for the things I want.

The Set-up

I hate when people try to set me up with someone they know, or their boyfriends friend/cousin and so on. The reason I hate it is because I never asked them to set me up to begin with. I'm not even one of those people who loudly lament my single status anymore, I learned my lesson years ago. If you don't want people giving unwanted advice, don't complain to begin with. So for the past 5 or so years I have pretty much kept my mouth shut on the dating front, but damn it people are nosey as hell and insist on sticking their noses in place I didn't ask them to, its annoying to say the least. Yesterday was the second time in a matter of a week that a friend suggested I date one of her friends. Now in my experience most people try to set you up with someone they themselves would be attracted to and aren't really giving any thought to whether you would want to date this person, I guess the thought goes that "he's a nice guy and I like him so my friend should too". My friend also admitted that she didn't know what my "type" was, well thats because I didn't tell you because I have no interest in being set up. The other reason I don't like the set up is because lets say you do go out with the guy and hey maybe your just not interested, well now all of a sudden your friend wants to know IN DETAIL what the problem is, whats wrong with him and so on. Lastly its kind of insulting that someone thinks I'm so pathetic that they need to find a guy for me, I hate being told what I "need" to do or how I should be living my life because thats what it chalks up to, "their is something wrong with you because you don't have a man and you aren't crying about that fact". This same friend is always telling me that I need a guy like this or like that. There are plenty of things I NEED before I need a man. I need a new job, more money, a new car, a new place, a trip to Europe.....also I need people to stop telling me I need a man.

But, I Don't Wanna Go

Getting me out the house is not a problem, getting me out of the house to go to a crowded bar is a different story. A friend invited me to see his band play at a semi-local(meaning 30 minutes away) bar. Of course it's a weekday and, of course tommorrow I absolutely have to be in work by 7:30(normally I'm scheduled to go in around noon) but I promised, and prompted by the fact that people always tell me, "well you need to go out more if you want to meet someone" I decided to go. Oh I go out plenty, but in general I don't think a bar is the place to meet someone, not only that, but I have never, ever met anyone in a bar that I wanted to continue talking to. Usually I meet guys who are extremely drunk, or rude, or trying to take me home, or guys who plain just can't take no for an answer(this is where pepper spray and pointy toed boots come in handy). Also my "friendzone" guy friend is there, and its been awkward for a while, but that is another story. Honestly all I want to due is cuddle under my heated sheets and watch a movie, but out I shall go. We'll see how it goes........

Update: Actually wasn't that bad, hung out with a lot of people I haven't seen in awhile....almost went deaf from how loud the bands amps were but still not a totally terrible evening.

Online Dating : 0

Yes, I signed up on an online dating site. Mostly just to look around and to see what kind of guys are on it. I havent subscribed to this site, meaning I can look for free but if I want to talk to someone I have to pay a monthly fee(to broke for that) which is fine by me for now. I haven't even posted a picture, I really hate most pictures of myself. My general opinion of online dating is this, I find it hard to connect with a person just based on a picture and a couple sentences. Getting to know someone in person is different. On the other hand I dont really go anywhere on account of being so broke most of the time, and when I do go out it seems like I have a "nice guy repellent" I always attract weirdos who want to touch my feet, or guys who generally behave like they are 16 even though they are close to thirty. I did save a couple of profiles on this site. Mostly of guys who's little blurbs made me laugh a little. I dont know if I will take it further than that. The whole "no experience" thing makes me hold back. Ha the same thing that keeps me from getting a boyfriend is whats keeping me from getting a job, well lack of work related experience that is. I guess I should just look at it as meeting a new, male friend. If it goes in a certain direction, then great, if not oh well.

Blonde Ambition

So for awhile I have wanted to go blonde. Over the years I have experimented with highlights, and then when I got bored with them I would pick a semi perm color as close as possible to my own color and dye it back. However, for some reason I have had a serious itch to go completely blonde. My natural hair color is more of a light ash brown. Now dont get me wrong I like my natural hair color just fine, this isn't going to be a permanent change, I'm only planning in being blonde for the summer, and I'm not doing it because I think blondes are prettier or get more attention or whatever, mostly I'm doing it because I'm bored, I feel like I need to shake my life up a little. I still have the same crappy job I had all through college and even though by May it will have been a year since I graduated I STILL havent found a career type job, or even a job that pays a little better than my current one does. Anyway back to the "going blonde part" So me being me I decide I would do this at home, and often I just jump in and do things because if I think too much I won't do it. One day I grabbed a box of Garnier Fructis dye in a shade of blonde I like, like I said my hair is a light ash brown and the shade I wanted was not that light at all so I didnt think I would have that much trouble going from light brown to a medium blonde.....oh how wrong I was. I waited the recomended time plus ten minutes then washed the dye off, and ok it still looked a little dark but I waited for it to dry, and lo and behold my hair was now brown with a red tint. I wait a few days then go back for more dye in the same color(this time I use two boxes) and wait TWO hours and it comes out a lighter shade of the same reddish color. Of course this is when I decide to maybe do some actual research. It turns out when going from brown to blonde your hair goes through stages red, orange, yellow/orange and finally yellow. I decide to call a friend who had died her hair blonde at home. She had used color specifically for girls with dark brown hair and said that she needed to do it a couple times before it came out the color she wanted it. She had used a different brand than I had and I had read that you weren't supposed to use different brands after starting with one. Her mother had used the brand I did and used the lightest shade to get the color she wanted. So off to the store again to pick up two boxes of the lightest blond garnier makes. I go through the whole dying process again....and the next morning I wake up to macaroni orange/yellow hair. I wash my hair with purple shampoo which helps with the brassiness some and go off to work. Of course a few friends tell me they dont like it "its TOO blonde" is what one said. So here I am three days later. I picked up a box of Clairol bleach and am currently doing a "patch test" instead of doing a strand test, I took a chunk of hair and mixed a little of the bleach together and im just testing this area. Its hair at the back of my head, so if it turns green or something no one will notice lol. My advice for anyone who wants to go blonde at home is to research it first. Second before you even think of doing anything to you hair really think about what kind of condition its in and even if it is in good condition try to get it in better condition. Get a hair mask or deep condtioner AND a leave in conditioner. DO NOT use and heat on your hair while you are trying to lighten it. Ideally you are supposed to bleach your hair first wait 24hrs and then put your desired color over it, unless the bleach look is what you are going for, then get a purple toner or shampoo to neurtalize the brassiness and call it a day. The reason my whole adventure with Garnier didnt work is because the Garnier colors dont have bleach in them they have peroxide, your hair will get lighter but it will take many many many times using these dyes to get it to a true blonde shade. Using bleach you will likely have to use it two maybe three times to get your desired color. The darker your hair is, the more pronouced the red stage is going to be.


A few hours later.......
Def go with Clairol Ultra Blonde, my hair feels a lil bit like straw but thats ok I have Dumb Blonde Conditioner and I will be conditioning like crazy until I'm finished being blonde lol