Virgins in Popular Media

So I'd like to get into a huge discussion on this topic but one show in particular has got me irritated......Greys Anatomy. First of all I do like the show, second I am aware of the GLARING inaccuracies that are present throughout the series(a resident AND an attending forgetting how to perform and appendectomy....really?!) that being said I really take issue with the character of Dr.April Kepner. When she first arrived I disliked her character, she was annoying as shit and got McDreamy shot. As the season went on she grew on me, I finally full on LOVED her when she flipped out on the rest of the Greys crew for picking on her for being a virgin. When you think about it, it makes sense. She is a mentally healthy adult, who seems as though she would be the type of person who would prefer long term committed relationships, something that would be quite difficult if you are trying to get into one of the (fictional) best surgical programs in the country. She is focused and meticulous and in order for her to be a good doctor she wouldn't be able to split her focus between a relationship and being a surgeon. So the Greys crew finds out teases her, she flips and basically tells them about themselves and they shut up. She then attempts an ill fated sexual liaison with Dr. Karev, who of course is about as understanding as a rhino is graceful. So far I'm good with where her character was going. They leave this issue alone and she is involved in no romantic relationships with anyone. UNTIL the new Pediatric surgical attending arrives, a middle aged, rude, grump(and not sexy-rude like Dr. House) who begins to pursue her. Now Dr. Kepner is actually really pretty, so I guess because she is a virgin that means she couldn't get a stud like Karev or Avery, but a grumpy ass, middle aged man. Really Greys writers....really? She resists his advances as delicately as she can. Of course he gets ticked off and is rude to her during his remaining time on the show. The most recent episode again brings up her virginal status, the episode is about a visiting surgeon performing a penis transplant. The visiting surgeon is Dr. Avery's mom. Now Kepner doesn't get picked to assist on the surgery but the senior Dr. Avery picks her to help harvest the donor penis. Naturally Dr.Avery ever so tactfully asks "So when are you going to have sex with a MAN?" yes she asks an extremely personal question in the middle of harvesting an organ, where other Dr's and nurses are present. Kepner asks if its "that obvious" and she goes "well your looking at that thing(penis) like its gonna bite you". Apparently if your a virgin, even if you are a fifth year surgical resident, you have NEVER seen a penis. This is an obviously nonsexual situation involving a harvested organ, but you know she "afraid" of it because she is Dr. Virgin. At the end of the episode she is out having drinks with both Dr. Avery's, the senior apparently sent a drink over to a cute guy, who comes over to thank Kepner. Dr. Avery encourages her to go talk to the guy. This is all fine and dandy as long as the writers are not trying to imply that she suddenly decided to have sex with a strange guy in a bar, and well la di da that's taken care of. I'll tell you what I'd LIKE to see, I'd like to see her lose it to Dr. Sloan, because he would take his time and do it correctly. And I'd like to see her NOT faun over him afterward, and him trying to figure out what the deal is. Come on Greys writers get on the ball and don't make her into an inaccurate stereotype.

Are You Sure This Isn't Forever?

If you asked me ten years ago where I thought I would be at 25 this was not what I had in mind. At the very least I thought I would have my own place, even if it was a semi crappy apartment with second hand furniture that I had to share with room mates. I also thought that two years after graduating from college I would actually be able to pay my bills on time, save money and NOT be living paycheck to paycheck. My mom keeps telling me that it won't always be this way, but I can't see anything different happening. I guess I am just frustrated right now.

One more wedding.....

And I am going to snap. I don't like weddings, I just don't. I don't find them fun, at all. The best I can hope to get out of a wedding is decent food, other than that.........nada. I don't know what it is about weddings that makes people you have just met boldly ask you about your personal life, or allows them to believe they have some sort of god given right to force you get up and dance. Its even more "fun" when they put on a slow song and in my mind I'm thinking "yay I'm not a couple I can go sit" but in their minds they're thinking "aww look she has no on to dance with" and try to force some random male on me. No thanks, I literally want to sit down. IF I ever get married, and I wouldn't recommend anyone hold their breath for that, it would be in Vegas. Long weekend, only parents and siblings in attendance and of course my bff. A funky cool wedding dress and possibly Elvis officiating. No chicken dance or electric slides, no bouquet toss, no speeches, just pure gambling fun.

Single Ladies(don't want a ring on it)

So I had an interesting conversation with a coworker today, I'm not sure how it started, but I made a comment about how I just wasn't that interested in getting married, being married, being a wife etc. She seemed shocked. I said I had no (theoretical) problem living with a guy, but as far as getting married I could take or leave it. It just isn't a goal I aspire to. If someone one day asks, I may say yes, but it will most assuredly be a Vegas affair. Nothing to stuffy or serious. Life is kind of a huge cosmic joke anyway.
I also read the article below titled "The Deficient Single Woman"
http://www.feministe.us/blog/archives/2011/08/30/the-deficient-single-woman/

I found it interesting because she talks about how being a single woman is basically viewed as a handicap, and if you are single OF COURSE you MUST be looking for a husband. She also describes how at weddings they round up the single women to "catch the bouquet" and how its nearly impossible to refuse because people treat you like an alien. I always find that a polite "fuck off" does me well when trying to get out of nonsense like that.

Decisions......decisions

When it comes to making decisions on something I operate one of two ways.......think long and hard about what I am going to do(procrastinate) or just do it. Once I have made a decision it is difficult for me to just sit and wait. For instance I decided to cut my hair short again, its slightly longer than shoulder length now, and I have actually been trying to grow it out, but I made the decision so now I just have to wait until I get paid again. Another recent decision I made, was to go to therapy. My main reason being that if I want to be a therapist one day, I can't walk around with fairly serious problems of my own. I have pretty much self diagnosed myself with Avoidant Personality Disorder, I read several descriptions online and yeah it sounds A LOT like me(although in general I don't recommend self diagnosis) Here is the definition:

People with avoidant personality disorder experience a long-standing feeling of inadequacy and are extremely sensitive to what others think about them. This leads to the person to be socially inhibited and feel socially inept. Because of these feelings of inadequacy and inhibition, the person with avoidant personality disorder will seek to avoid work, school and any activities that involve socializing or interacting with others.

Individuals with Avoidant Personality Disorder often vigilantly appraise the movements and expressions of those with whom they come into contact. Their fearful and tense demeanor may elicit ridicule from others, which in turn confirms their self-doubts. They are very anxious about the possibility that they will react to criticism with blushing or crying. They are described by others as being "shy," "timid," "lonely," and "isolated."

The major problems associated with this disorder occur in social and occupational functioning. The low self-esteem and hypersensitivity to rejection are associated with restricted interpersonal contacts. These individuals may become relatively isolated and usually do not have a large social support network that can help them weather crises. They desire affection and acceptance and may fantasize about idealized relationships with others. The avoidant behaviors can also adversely affect occupational functioning because these individuals try to avoid the types of social situations that may be important for meeting the basic demands of the job or for advancement.

Symptoms of Avoidant Personality Disorder

Avoidant personality disorder is characterized by a long-standing pattern of feelings of inadequacy, extreme sensitivity to what other people think about them, and social inhibition. It typically manifests itself by early adulthood and includes a majority of the following symptoms:

• Avoids occupational activities that involve significant interpersonal contact, because of fears of criticism, disapproval, or rejection
• Is unwilling to get involved with people unless certain of being liked
• Shows restraint within intimate relationships because of the fear of being shamed or ridiculed
• Is preoccupied with being criticized or rejected in social situations
• Is inhibited in new interpersonal situations because of feelings of inadequacy
• Views themself as socially inept, personally unappealing, or inferior to others
• Is unusually reluctant to take personal risks or to engage in any new activities because they may prove embarrassing

As with all personality disorders, the person must be at least 18 years old before they can be diagnosed with it.

Avoidant personality disorder appears to occur between 0.5 and 1.0 percent in the general population.

Like most personality disorders, avoidant personality disorder typically will decrease in intensity with age, with many people experiencing few of the most extreme symptoms by the time they are in the 40s or 50s

I don't think I am as outwardly awkward as some people are with this disorder, I once pointed out to a new friend that I have some social anxiety and feel stupid talking to new people, and she seemed surprised and said that I didn't seem awkward. I don't talk to new people until I am fairly sure about where I stand with them. And I don't think I have ever initiated a friendship, the other person has initiated the friendship. For instance I started a new job a couple months back and started talking to a couple of coworker fairly often, but I never suggested that we hang out after work they did that and I agreed. Sometimes even with people I have known for years, if I get the feeling(however incorrect) that they don't want to talk to me or hang out, I won't call. I can engage in conversations with people, and depending on how many times I have spoken to them determines my level of awkwardness, but I am always worried I said the wrong thing or did the wrong thing.

Funny article about how life actually does get better............but pretty much once you live on your own lol.

http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-reasons-life-actually-does-get-better_p2/?utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=fanpage&utm_campaign=new+article&wa_ibsrc=fanpage

Hmmmmm.....what to do?

So I am still on this dating website, and despite many emails from guys I haven't really started a conversation with anyone. Part of the reason is that a lot of the guys have sent emails that just say "hi" which I have no idea how to respond to, but anyway there is this one guy who's profile I thought was interesting. So on this website you are supposed to answer questions to "match" you with someone. This guy answered a bunch of questions, here is the one I found most interesting: "Would you be put off by someone who was still a virgin at 25?" he answered no he wouldn't and would actually be impressed. He also said that he would like it if a girl emailed him first. So do I believe him and take a chance, or not bother? I know.....whats the worst that can happen, but still. I feel like I want to get myself together before I even try to email this guy, on the off chance that he does actually respond. I really feel like I will be (slightly) more confident if I lose the rest of the weight I want to lose and get in better shape. I know...I'm a mess.

Of Werewolves and Grandmothers

So obviously I saw Red Riding Hood, last night. Its a shame it got such bad reviews, because honestly it wasn't bad at all, and nothing like Twilight. People just wanted to say that because Hardwicke was the director. Without giving too much away, it was more about secrets and how they hurt people, growing up, making choices for yourself etc. And of course as Hardwicke points out herself, Red Riding Hood was rather pervy a "wolf" dresses up in grannies clothes, then asks a young girl to get into bed and talks about how much he wants to eat her.......um yeah. Before fairy tales got all Disney-fied they were pretty hard core, I have a book that has all the original fairy tales, the original Snow White had Snow becoming the Queen and ordering the guards to put her evil stepmother in red hot iron shoes and dance in them, can you say gruesome. There was a movie version of Snow White, that had Sigourney Weaver as the wicked stepmother that was just awesome.
On another note.....I have gotten nine replies on my new dating website, and I'm not particularly inclined to respond, I'm just not interested in the guys that are responding to me and its hard enough to have an email conversation with someone you ARE interested in and never met. So trying to force something seems.......ill advised. I don't know. Also, even though I am generally a practical person, I can not seem to get over how "unromantic" it is to try to meet someone online.

Oops I Did It Again

I apologize for the Britney Spears reference :)
Somehow I talked myself into going back onto a dating website. Actually I know how, I started a new job and it took a few months but now people are asking about whether or not I have a boyfriend, so that got me thinking again. At least it is Spring(almost) so I am more willing to go out and meet people face to face. The whole talking via email is just so.....awkward especially when its someone you have never had a face to face conversation with. You miss all the social cues and changes of topic aren't as natural. As usual I have no idea what I am doing. Not to mention the older I get the more stressful it is becoming to live with my parents. Unfortunately moving out is not really and option, between school loans and needing to fix my car my money is disappearing as fast as I can make it. Well we'll see how the website thingy goes this time around, but I am still very wary.

Am I Like Completely Hideous or Something?

I really want to know, because I have been on this dating sight that you had to pay for if you wanted complete access. Well even though I hadn't paid for, I still got alerts when someone emailed me(because they want you to pay to read them of course) So the one day , I get not one but two emails from guys on my "yes" list. So I finally decide to pay and find out what they emailed. Well Guy#1 made some random comment and asked why I didn't have pictures up. I responded that I had just put pictures up, I just had to wait for the site to approve them. Guy#2 Made a comment about a show I said I watched in my profile and I asked him what he likes to watch, and he answered and also asked why I had no pictures. Again I told him I had just put the pictures up and they were pending approval. Yeah its been two days since my pictures were approved....and nothing from either of them. So they were perfectly willing to talk to me with no pictures, and now with pictures all I get is silence. OK then. Now though I get guys who are either waaaaay to young, like 18 or waaaaaay to old, like 38. I guess I will leave up my profile for the month that I paid for and then cancel, because I am officially giving up....I'm done....Finito. I am obviously completely unappealing to any kind of guys that I would be interested in. All I get are guys with 20 kids and 20 different baby moms, guys with no job, car, who live with there Mamas because Mama takes care of them, guys who are on drugs, or even deal drugs. I give up....I guess I will have to just settle when I'm ready.

Lesson Learned

If you look at certain things as a "learning experience" then they don't seem like such a waste of time and energy. Here is what I have learned in the past few months:

• When it comes to children I have an almost limitless amount of patience; when it comes to adults who behave in a willfully stupid manner or who treat others poorly just because they can I have a 90 second window, at that point I have no idea what will come out of my mouth but it won't be nice.
• If you let them there are some people who will push you around, and standing up for yourself will come at a price, so pick your battles
• Conversely there are nice, generous and genuine people all around.

• I hate dishonesty and hypocrisy, and people who are constantly trying to get away with something, I believe in honesty and owning up to your actions and correcting them if need be. I seem to be in the minority on this.

Like I said lesson learned, now I know what I can and can not tolerate.

Boo...Hiss

So I am supposed to be heading out in a little bit for New Years Eve and as usual I am having second thoughts about going anywhere. And this is the reason: Whenever I ask someone where they met the person they are with I get a variety of answers "theme park, bar, museum, school, work" and so on. I have never met anyone I was interested in at any of the above listed places. I used to think it was my fault for not going out enough and not putting myself out there, but lately I have been going out a lot, and have met a few people. However, it seems like when I look around everyone is coupled up already. I guess I shouldn't be so negative and try harder to be more open? Who knows. I'm still contemplating "officially" signing up for and online dating site. I'm not sure. Its hard for me to think of myself in terms of a guy being interested in me, and usually the guys that are I am not attracted to and then I feel bad about that. Yeah...I need therapy. I was watching the movie "easy A", and in the movie the main characters parents were joking about grounding her and they said, "no boys" and she just laughed it off and said "well I think my complete lack of appeal sort of shot that horse in the face" that's kind of how I feel about my self, I don't see how I am appealing to the opposite sex. I reiterate the therapy point.

On to my goals for 2011( because I actually did stick to last years)

Continue to eat healthy and get in shape.
Be more honest about what I want and stop trying to please other people
SAVE MONEY
Get my butt back to school

I'm Starting to Think

....that I am never going to be able to get my life together. I work at a job that has nothing to do with what I ultimately want to do with my career and also causes me no end of stress. I still live with my parents who treat me like I am 15 instead of 25. And I still can't find a guy who is interested in me. Don't get me wrong I am grateful I have a job and am not unemployed, and that I have a family that cares and friends that are there for me, but sometime I just want to feel like I am doing something right with my life, not just existing.

Merry Christmas

I love Christmas....love it, love it, love it. I like the lights, the decorations, the music. Sure some people will say its a materialistic, commercial holiday but I think its what you make of it. I actually like buying gifts for people, thoughtful awesome gifts. Its nice getting gifts too, but I don't care about that so much anymore. I just bought my first ornaments this year, hopefully I will have my own tree to put them on next year(right now they are on my moms tree). I can't wait until I have my own kids to share Christmas with. That's all I just wanted to say how much I HEART CHRISTMAS : )

I wanna give up already

I have been on this dating website for less than a week and I already want to give up and delete my profile. In real life and online it seems like I'm not attracted to the guys who are attracted to me and guys I am attracted to are unavailable or just don't know I exist. I am seriously just thinking about "faking it til I make" as in just try really really hard to be attracted to someone I don't feel that attraction to, and if it never happens oh well at least I won't be a loser. I don't know....just some random, rambling thoughts.

TiMER(Tick Tock)

So I was scrolling through the newly released "instant" movies on Netflix when I came across the movie TiMER, I had never heard of it but it was rated high and one of my favorite actresses Emma Caulfield from Buffy was in it. The idea behind the movie is that scientists have invented a device, a timer, that will tell you when you are going to meet your soul mate, provided of course that both people have implanted the device. SPOILER ALERT The story is about a woman who is about to turn thirty whose timer has still not begun to count down, her sisters timer on the other hand has begun its count down with thirteen years remaining before she is to meet her "ONE". The main character, Oona, continues to date timer-less men and eventually convinces them to get implanted, of course she is constantly disappointed when their timers don't sync up with hers. Her sister, Steph, chooses to sleep with random men who do have timers as a way to pass the time. Their 14 year old brother also gets an implant which reads that he will meet his soul mate in 3 days. However he doesn't meet his one on his first day in high school. His "one" turns out to be the daughter of his mother's new housekeeper. The younger brother meets his one in front of his mother, sisters and the girls parents, making the situation extremely awkward to say the least. Meanwhile Oona has met a young man(emphasis on young) in a grocery store named Mikey, he flirts with her, but she feels strange about the fact that his timers count down is four months. Her sister tells her its no big deal that basically she should have fun and sleep with him. She remains unsure until she has a dull blind date and meets Mikey again in her sisters bar where his band is playing. Mikey and Oona continue what she believes to be an ill fated relationship because he has an expiration date. Steph on the other hand has met a cute but timer-less guy, Dan, in the nursing home where she works. She doesn't sleep with timer-less men because they are too "needy" and attempts to set up Oona with him. Oona however is to busy with Mikey, once Steph finds out she an Oona argue because Steph feels that her sister is setting herself up for heart break. It turns out though that Mikey's timer is fake something he used to pick up girls but wasn't sure how to tell Oona about it. Oona continues to date Mikey and Steph continues to flirt with Dan. Oona becomes conflicted and lashes out at Mikey because she wants a "guarantee" and he can't do that for her without a timer. She ends up visiting her father for answers believing that he had left her mother, choosing not to get an implant, and finds out that not only did he get an implant it still has not "zeroed out" the woman he lives with however has removed her implant because although she knows he is not her "one" she doesn't care because she loves him. Oona and Steph decide to get their implants removed before their birthday. Steph happily get her's removed, but just as Oona is about to have hers removed it begins to count down, she chooses to leave it to find out who her "one" is. She and her sister arrive separately to their birthday where both Dan and Mikey have been invited. Before Oona arrives the mother of the younger brothers "one" has a translated conversation with the other mother. She basically says that because they are not friends, and she is the woman's housekeeper it would have been better if their children had met on their own, and kept it secret. Then when the two families found out they could yell and argue and eventually accept each other. The other mother agrees that this is true, and agree to remain as employee and employer for now. As Oona walks in she sees Mikey, but her mother rushes her over to meet some people including Dan, when her timer goes off. Dan is her "One". Of course Mikey and Steph leave, and Oona chases after them. She ends up in the kitchen with Dan and her sister, Dan explains that he only got the timer because of Steph, he was ready to be with someone again(his wife died). Steph and Oona fight and Oona tells Steph that she can stay with their parents and sulk for the weekend but she wants her back home on Monday, because before the guys were involved they were each others "one". Oona makes one more attempt with Mikey, but they can't go back. Her sister comes home and wakes her up and Oona goes for her customary morning jog a little later than usual, where she meets Dan and they chat a little, he tells her she should jog late again some other morning and they go off in opposite directions.

I LOVE this movie...I love the whole idea of it, and the fact that the ending was not typical romantic crap. The timer doesn't solve everyone's romantic or relationship issues, it just creates a different set of challenges. The timer is fantastic for some people and for other it creates confusion. I was rooting for both original couples, Steph and Dan, and Oona and Mikey. By the end you get a feel for how Oona and Dan are meant for each other, but you still feel the loss of the previous two relationships. I think I liked this movie so much because I can related to the idea of being on a timer, and definitely relate to Oona as someone whose timer has not even begun its countdown. That's how I feel like my timer hasn't even started and I'm still waiting for the damn thing to start ticking. I think the movie also showed that there are some relationships that we need to have, no matter how short lived, or painful, or fantastic. These relationships are supposed to teach us a little about ourselves. Actually this worries me all the more, as I have not had any relationship at all.

You Guys Should Hook Up

No...no we should not. I will never understand why some people are so damn obsessed and pushy about trying to hook their friends up, also its usually for selfish reasons. Not like, " oh you guys should hag out, you both really like photography" More like, "You guys should start dating my boyfriends cousin so we can double date/all live together" That was an ACTUAL reason from two separate people. Why the hell do people think I should date their boyfriends cousin lol

Wait.......What?

The other day I came across an article about genius, specifically how ONLY men can be geniuses.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-483707/Only-men-geniuses--far-stupid-men-women.html

The author states that only men have the capacity for genius, but don't worry girls, we women occupy some sort of intellectual "middle ground" for the survival of the species. Um....ok. I find several things wrong with the title alone "Only Men can be geniuses...but there are far mores stupid men than women" First of all, other than being a writer there is no discernible reason for him to be able to make such a definitive statement. Secondly he disproves himself in the first few sentences, saying that for every two male geniuses, there is only one woman. Ok well, she still exists does she not? Already he is revealing his own misogynistic views that any females accomplishments are still less than a males. He also somewhat defends the actions of the Harvard President who said women were naturally bad a science. The general pompous, authoritative tone of his article just pissed me off. He stated no science or studies to back up his claim, although he did talk about one study where brothers and sisters who were raised with the same intellectual expectations were given tests in math and science and so on, saying only that the results were women did much better at languages. The source of this study was by an ALL MALE team of psychologists. The fact that they can't even see their own bias is just ridiculous. He also goes on to state that there are NO great women poets or playwrites, NO great women philosophers, NO creative women in visual arts, NO female inventors. He also states that of course there are women who are great in there fields of education and commerce, but I guess to him that in now way makes them GREAT? Now this article led me to try and search for female geniuses, which was sadly difficult to find when inputting "female genius" in google search, however I did find some interesting information. Including a list of top ten geniuses, with a woman occupying the # 10 spot only, but she's there isn't she, she exists, right? http://listverse.com/2007/10/06/top-10-geniuses/
What about Georgia Brown, recognized as a genius at age two? http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-463539/Two-year-old-Matilda-youngest-girl-Mensa.html Does she not qualify for some reason, her IQ is 152 and she was invited to join MENSA, by now she is only five but give her some time to produce some great masterpieces in music, or hell I don't know cure cancer. As to the authors previous assertion that there are NO great female philosophers, here is an article of the top ten female philosophers http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/this-britain/ten-great-female-philosophers-the-thinking-womans-women-498733.html
Sadly, I am not very familiar with most of the women on this list, so its no wonder why people don't think there is such a thing as female genius, when all we hear about is Einstein and Sartre and never is a woman thrown into the mix. Lastly, this woman has another theory as to why there are no female geniuses, what she calls a "numbers game" http://www.newscientist.com/article/dn16331-the-lack-of-female-einsteins-is-all-down-to-numbers.html The author of the "Only Men Can be Geniuses....."article feels that as women we have had ample time to stand out a geniuses, so where the hell was Shakespeare's female counterpart. Probably squeezed into a corset and being told to shut the hell up by the men in her life. In looking up female genius I found another article that found that women had to publish twice as many articles in there scientific or mathematical field to be considered on equal footing with men. The fact is we have only been allowed to vote for a little under a century and for many years have had to beg, borrow and steal to get anywhere near a university, we have only been freed from the kitchen for about fifty years. So how about we wait a couple thousand years before we definitively state that women can not be geniuses. The last article I looked at was one about a study that showed that the mere suggestion to a female that she will do worse in one subject, will in fact make her do worse in that subject. I absolutely believe this is true, when I was in third grade my mom sent me to a Private Christian school, for K-2nd I had been going to a Catholic school, so when I went to my new school, they were way ahead of me in math, instead of the teacher trying to help me she basically threw a pencil at me, told me to figure out a mathematical problem, without giving me the tools to figure it out. She then insisted to my mother that I had a learning disability and was possible retarded (seriously) she harassed my mother until she took my to a psychologist to be tested. I went through the whole IQ test, nervous as hell that I wasn't doing the right thing, and after a couple of hours he told my mom I had a perfectly normal IQ, that I may have trouble with math but I was fine. Still, that incident with an uncaring and lazy teacher colored my whole school life. I still have a sort of "fear" of math, anything with numbers just confuses me. I actually started to do a lot better in math when I had a tutor for a few years, she was very encouraging and told me everyone could do math and I flourished but once I was on my own again, one little wrong answer and that was it, I just told my self I was dumb and that was that.

Just one of those days

So I was rejected from yet another job, right now I'm working a temp job in addition to the job I already have. I am just getting so frustrated, not only can I not find a full time job, no matter how I hard I work I can't seem to lose anymore weight. Its SOOOOOOO FRUSTRATING. On top of that I made the mistake of complaining about my single status to a friend of mine, which was a mistake. She said I over think things with guys, which is true, but I told her to be fair its not like I have guys knocking down my door or anything. Basically her advice was to lower my standards and not to go back to school. Yeah, no. I absolutely have a problem with a guy still living with his Mama without a legitimate reason. Meaning he's living there because he has a child to take care of, or he's helping his parents out with bills or he is in school. I'm not an intellectual snob, there isn't an educational requirement to date me. However he does have to be hardworking and have goals other than finding a girl who cooks like his Mama to take care of him, but apparently that makes me a bitch. I'm tired of people telling me I'm wrong because I won't lower my standards to date any old schmo. She also told me not to go back to school.....seriously. My goal is to initially get my Masters in Psychology and to begin counseling female solidiers who return from the war, eventually I want to get my Ph.D, but no, I, should just dumb myself down so I can get me a man, after all ladies no guy wants a gal who's too smart. All I need to know is how to iron his shirts and make his dinner.

Commitment-Phobe

I just realized I am allergic to any sort of commitment, this may have been my problem with The Boy(who isnt really a boy he's a man and almost 30 now), but that is a story for another day. This week I recieved two calls about jobs, one for a temp agency, the other for an IT company. For the temp agency I had to take their tests, which somehow I'm sure I failed, I don't test well. For the IT company I had to do an interview with the recruiter and interview with someone who worked there and I will eventually have to do a face to face with someone at the company. I talked to the guy this morning, he seemed very nice, but when he started talking about how he had been with the company for three years I was having a mini panic attack. While I'm not the type of person who jumps from job to job every four months, I also have trouble making major decisions and sticking to them. I almost feel like if I choose one path, then all others are closed to me, yes I am crazy. In college I was always jealous of those freshman who KNEW they wanted to go to medical school and did everything to get there. I was never that sure of anything. When I was a kid I wanted to be an astronaut(I still like the idea of traveling to the stars), a photographer, an actress, or a ballerina. In college I had no idea what I wanted, I picked English as a major because it was something I was good at, and I didn't want to fail out of college by trying to be something I'm not(like an engineer). Right now I'm so lost it's not even funny. Quite honestly I thought my life would be a little more interesting than it is now, definately more interesting than the people who follow the boyfriend/husband, baby, boring job route. I have never even been to another country. By 24 I wanted to have been to Rome and Venice, it feels like every year drags me closer to the practicality of REAL job land and BILLS to pay. I don't feel 24, I feel like I'm 12 and everything is still a possibilty. I still want to study psychology, be a writer, be an actress. In reality it's like time is running out for the things I want.