Am I Like Completely Hideous or Something?

I really want to know, because I have been on this dating sight that you had to pay for if you wanted complete access. Well even though I hadn't paid for, I still got alerts when someone emailed me(because they want you to pay to read them of course) So the one day , I get not one but two emails from guys on my "yes" list. So I finally decide to pay and find out what they emailed. Well Guy#1 made some random comment and asked why I didn't have pictures up. I responded that I had just put pictures up, I just had to wait for the site to approve them. Guy#2 Made a comment about a show I said I watched in my profile and I asked him what he likes to watch, and he answered and also asked why I had no pictures. Again I told him I had just put the pictures up and they were pending approval. Yeah its been two days since my pictures were approved....and nothing from either of them. So they were perfectly willing to talk to me with no pictures, and now with pictures all I get is silence. OK then. Now though I get guys who are either waaaaay to young, like 18 or waaaaaay to old, like 38. I guess I will leave up my profile for the month that I paid for and then cancel, because I am officially giving up....I'm done....Finito. I am obviously completely unappealing to any kind of guys that I would be interested in. All I get are guys with 20 kids and 20 different baby moms, guys with no job, car, who live with there Mamas because Mama takes care of them, guys who are on drugs, or even deal drugs. I give up....I guess I will have to just settle when I'm ready.

Lesson Learned

If you look at certain things as a "learning experience" then they don't seem like such a waste of time and energy. Here is what I have learned in the past few months:

• When it comes to children I have an almost limitless amount of patience; when it comes to adults who behave in a willfully stupid manner or who treat others poorly just because they can I have a 90 second window, at that point I have no idea what will come out of my mouth but it won't be nice.
• If you let them there are some people who will push you around, and standing up for yourself will come at a price, so pick your battles
• Conversely there are nice, generous and genuine people all around.

• I hate dishonesty and hypocrisy, and people who are constantly trying to get away with something, I believe in honesty and owning up to your actions and correcting them if need be. I seem to be in the minority on this.

Like I said lesson learned, now I know what I can and can not tolerate.

Boo...Hiss

So I am supposed to be heading out in a little bit for New Years Eve and as usual I am having second thoughts about going anywhere. And this is the reason: Whenever I ask someone where they met the person they are with I get a variety of answers "theme park, bar, museum, school, work" and so on. I have never met anyone I was interested in at any of the above listed places. I used to think it was my fault for not going out enough and not putting myself out there, but lately I have been going out a lot, and have met a few people. However, it seems like when I look around everyone is coupled up already. I guess I shouldn't be so negative and try harder to be more open? Who knows. I'm still contemplating "officially" signing up for and online dating site. I'm not sure. Its hard for me to think of myself in terms of a guy being interested in me, and usually the guys that are I am not attracted to and then I feel bad about that. Yeah...I need therapy. I was watching the movie "easy A", and in the movie the main characters parents were joking about grounding her and they said, "no boys" and she just laughed it off and said "well I think my complete lack of appeal sort of shot that horse in the face" that's kind of how I feel about my self, I don't see how I am appealing to the opposite sex. I reiterate the therapy point.

On to my goals for 2011( because I actually did stick to last years)

Continue to eat healthy and get in shape.
Be more honest about what I want and stop trying to please other people
SAVE MONEY
Get my butt back to school

I'm Starting to Think

....that I am never going to be able to get my life together. I work at a job that has nothing to do with what I ultimately want to do with my career and also causes me no end of stress. I still live with my parents who treat me like I am 15 instead of 25. And I still can't find a guy who is interested in me. Don't get me wrong I am grateful I have a job and am not unemployed, and that I have a family that cares and friends that are there for me, but sometime I just want to feel like I am doing something right with my life, not just existing.

Merry Christmas

I love Christmas....love it, love it, love it. I like the lights, the decorations, the music. Sure some people will say its a materialistic, commercial holiday but I think its what you make of it. I actually like buying gifts for people, thoughtful awesome gifts. Its nice getting gifts too, but I don't care about that so much anymore. I just bought my first ornaments this year, hopefully I will have my own tree to put them on next year(right now they are on my moms tree). I can't wait until I have my own kids to share Christmas with. That's all I just wanted to say how much I HEART CHRISTMAS : )

I wanna give up already

I have been on this dating website for less than a week and I already want to give up and delete my profile. In real life and online it seems like I'm not attracted to the guys who are attracted to me and guys I am attracted to are unavailable or just don't know I exist. I am seriously just thinking about "faking it til I make" as in just try really really hard to be attracted to someone I don't feel that attraction to, and if it never happens oh well at least I won't be a loser. I don't know....just some random, rambling thoughts.

TiMER(Tick Tock)

So I was scrolling through the newly released "instant" movies on Netflix when I came across the movie TiMER, I had never heard of it but it was rated high and one of my favorite actresses Emma Caulfield from Buffy was in it. The idea behind the movie is that scientists have invented a device, a timer, that will tell you when you are going to meet your soul mate, provided of course that both people have implanted the device. SPOILER ALERT The story is about a woman who is about to turn thirty whose timer has still not begun to count down, her sisters timer on the other hand has begun its count down with thirteen years remaining before she is to meet her "ONE". The main character, Oona, continues to date timer-less men and eventually convinces them to get implanted, of course she is constantly disappointed when their timers don't sync up with hers. Her sister, Steph, chooses to sleep with random men who do have timers as a way to pass the time. Their 14 year old brother also gets an implant which reads that he will meet his soul mate in 3 days. However he doesn't meet his one on his first day in high school. His "one" turns out to be the daughter of his mother's new housekeeper. The younger brother meets his one in front of his mother, sisters and the girls parents, making the situation extremely awkward to say the least. Meanwhile Oona has met a young man(emphasis on young) in a grocery store named Mikey, he flirts with her, but she feels strange about the fact that his timers count down is four months. Her sister tells her its no big deal that basically she should have fun and sleep with him. She remains unsure until she has a dull blind date and meets Mikey again in her sisters bar where his band is playing. Mikey and Oona continue what she believes to be an ill fated relationship because he has an expiration date. Steph on the other hand has met a cute but timer-less guy, Dan, in the nursing home where she works. She doesn't sleep with timer-less men because they are too "needy" and attempts to set up Oona with him. Oona however is to busy with Mikey, once Steph finds out she an Oona argue because Steph feels that her sister is setting herself up for heart break. It turns out though that Mikey's timer is fake something he used to pick up girls but wasn't sure how to tell Oona about it. Oona continues to date Mikey and Steph continues to flirt with Dan. Oona becomes conflicted and lashes out at Mikey because she wants a "guarantee" and he can't do that for her without a timer. She ends up visiting her father for answers believing that he had left her mother, choosing not to get an implant, and finds out that not only did he get an implant it still has not "zeroed out" the woman he lives with however has removed her implant because although she knows he is not her "one" she doesn't care because she loves him. Oona and Steph decide to get their implants removed before their birthday. Steph happily get her's removed, but just as Oona is about to have hers removed it begins to count down, she chooses to leave it to find out who her "one" is. She and her sister arrive separately to their birthday where both Dan and Mikey have been invited. Before Oona arrives the mother of the younger brothers "one" has a translated conversation with the other mother. She basically says that because they are not friends, and she is the woman's housekeeper it would have been better if their children had met on their own, and kept it secret. Then when the two families found out they could yell and argue and eventually accept each other. The other mother agrees that this is true, and agree to remain as employee and employer for now. As Oona walks in she sees Mikey, but her mother rushes her over to meet some people including Dan, when her timer goes off. Dan is her "One". Of course Mikey and Steph leave, and Oona chases after them. She ends up in the kitchen with Dan and her sister, Dan explains that he only got the timer because of Steph, he was ready to be with someone again(his wife died). Steph and Oona fight and Oona tells Steph that she can stay with their parents and sulk for the weekend but she wants her back home on Monday, because before the guys were involved they were each others "one". Oona makes one more attempt with Mikey, but they can't go back. Her sister comes home and wakes her up and Oona goes for her customary morning jog a little later than usual, where she meets Dan and they chat a little, he tells her she should jog late again some other morning and they go off in opposite directions.

I LOVE this movie...I love the whole idea of it, and the fact that the ending was not typical romantic crap. The timer doesn't solve everyone's romantic or relationship issues, it just creates a different set of challenges. The timer is fantastic for some people and for other it creates confusion. I was rooting for both original couples, Steph and Dan, and Oona and Mikey. By the end you get a feel for how Oona and Dan are meant for each other, but you still feel the loss of the previous two relationships. I think I liked this movie so much because I can related to the idea of being on a timer, and definitely relate to Oona as someone whose timer has not even begun its countdown. That's how I feel like my timer hasn't even started and I'm still waiting for the damn thing to start ticking. I think the movie also showed that there are some relationships that we need to have, no matter how short lived, or painful, or fantastic. These relationships are supposed to teach us a little about ourselves. Actually this worries me all the more, as I have not had any relationship at all.